proposed ceo perk cutbacks

September 15, 2005

Time to tighten our belts. The following list of perks will be slowly phased out over the next 36 months:

  • Fluffers
  • Whisky fountain
  • Personal Sherpas
  • Fanny powderers
  • Seventy-three brown-eyed virgins (on retainer)
  • Animitronic lobby dragon
  • Fudge moat
  • McMuffins
  • Nap time
  • Afternoon Magic Show
  • Lunchroom “Lazy River”
  • Corey Feldman
  • Egg-drop balcony
  • 2 of the pencil sharpening journeymen
  • Seven day weekends
  • Bagels
  • Luge sharpening service
  • Elevator massage team
  • Pants-optional Thursdays
  • Personalized theme-song hold music
  • “Liposuction and You” presentation
  • “You the man! How can I be the man? When you the man?” chanters
  • “Get out of Jail Free” cards
  • Washroom “Wishing Well”
  • Butter Sculpterer
  • Alchemist
  • Safety Goggles
  • The “Clapper”
  • Foghat Reunion Show
  • Corporate Greeter: Darius Rucker
  • Weekend of Cake
  • Lint-removal specialists
  • Tear-away jerseys
  • Todd Bertuzzi
  • Holodeck
  • Your horse-whisperer
  • Ye Olde Buggy Whip Shoppe
  • Frappuccino®
  • The “utility” closet (wink wink)
  • Wednesday evening snipe hunt
  • A set of steak knives
  • Hat-check boy
  • Coat-check girl
  • The elves (all of them)
  • The honor bar
  • Solid Gold coffee “challices”
  • Those mini-marshmallows for your hot cocoa
  • Your Haliburton corporate accounts
  • Rooftop rollercoaster
  • The “Vic Tayback” memorial kitchenette
  • Avril’s Angst seminar
  • Turkish taffy
  • Complimentary monkey diapers and changing service
  • The number “11” from your phones
  • Mistletoe ceiling panels
  • Helium
  • White board markers (you’ll need to bring your own)

(I came up with this list for a project that LeROIduPLYWOOD is working on)

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